There
are moments when all the senses become heightened and agitated, excited about
what they perceive and time simply dissolves. At these moments a person can
wander through all the lives one has lived and slippery memory hardens like
polished agate.
In
one of my final moments inside my car looking out of the windshield the huge,
tumbling clouds allowed no sun to shine. The sky was seen through glass covered
in drops from a recent and heavy rain, condensing light from the grays and
white, cut with wires and poles. The scent of wet asphalt and tar rose from the
parking lot in whirls of vapor.
It
was in this damp warmth just such a moment came upon me and the interior of the
car dissolves and reforms into car after car after car, ushering in memory
after memory;
My
father holding my bleeding wrist while driving me to the hospital after I had
shattered a window in the back of the truck.
My
sister simply falling out of the cab of another truck after her door had opened
during a sharp turn. She was there, then not.
Wondering
where my father had ‘put 500 dollars’ into the car before deciding a safe must
sit in the floor where I now know the transmission was.
Getting
stoned with a friend while parked in front of the downtown library listening to
Bob Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks under golden autumn leaves lit by streetlamps.
The
musty smell of sex, muscle cramps and feeling as if I were turning into a
lawnmower, bicycle, or other awkward and bulky object.
Stiff
with fear driving through a flashflood, a landslide, or misjudging the distance
of oncoming traffic while passing on a desert stretch, nearly killing a friend
and myself.
Crying
alone after the death of a loved one, or hours spent reading, feet out the
window.
That
brand new chemical smell of a new rental car after signing an agreement I would
not leave the State. My brother and I drove through at least five States and
two countries.
As
the moment falls away, in a final moment with a car I will soon retire, I look
at the dust on the dash, the floor tossed with rolling papers, water bottles
and dead lighters, a spider web made just that morning, and I will know I will
always remember my dog resting her head on my shoulder while driving and all
the laughter with friend or family at my side.
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